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Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Getting beyond the past

It is really difficult to be remarried.  I don't think that we deal so much with sexual baggage from our previous marriage (s) but with the emotional fallout.  My husband was cheated on and so he has enormous trust issues.  I understood this and was "ok" with it for the first years we were together.  I would call him when I left the office, let him know if I had lunch with another person or group of people no matter the gender, made sure that if I went somewhere without him, he knew who was going to be there.  But frankly, it got exhausting.  After living and sleeping with me for years, I didn't understand why I had to continue to "check in".  My character is nothing like hers.  And then, I got resentful.  I checked out.  It almost wrecked my marriage.  Thanks be to God, my husband was willing to fight for me.

I have a bad history of listening to God.  He tends to have to shout at me.  Well... I heard from him this spring.  He told me I had to go back to my marriage.  It was the clearest I have ever heard the Voice of God.  I wept for an hour or more.  I wept because I knew that I was the problem.  I wept because I had sought convenience over commitment.  God showed me that an earthly husband will almost always disappoint but my heavenly husband will never EVER let me down.  I don't have to love my husband every day, but if I love God then HE will love my husband for me.  Even if he uses the last bit of toilet paper.

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